Department of Unexplained Household Noises

Incident Report

To
All household personnel
From
Agent Prince as debriefed by C. Kennedy-Nuñez
Date
1 October 2026
Re
Nocturnal disturbances: basement storage & upstairs hallway

At approximately 3:47 A.M., this office received a report of sustained yowling, followed by what the informant described as ‘a stampede of one.’ The informant, who was asleep on the good pillow at the time, has asked that his identity be withheld.

Items recovered from the hallway and basement floor include two (2) hair scüncis, three (3) bottle caps, one (1) single twist tie, and one (1) left AirPod, reported missing three nights prior. Each item showed signs of having been batted around at length. None have been returned to their owners.

The informant identified the suspect as one Dante AKA ‘Stinky Baby’ AKA ‘Dumb Baby’ AKA ‘GET OFF THE DAMN COUNTER’ and has supplied surveillance footage (Exhibit A). Asked why he came forward, the informant stated: ‘I was trying to sleep.’ Suspect’s motive: none. weird cat behavior.

Security camera still of a cluttered basement at night. Something blurry is on the floor, bottom left. The same basement with the lights on. Dante, a tabby cat, stares straight at the camera.
Exhibit A: the suspect, 3:47 A.M.

The informant has been compensated with two (2) freeze dried chimkens and one (1) minute of supervised consumption of the controlled substance known as ‘plastic.’ This file will be declassified once every bar on this page has been lifted.